Words Revisited.

To all of those who have given me journals as gifts through the years: Yes. I use them.

And thank you. They are a rare treasure.

Rereading the words, I revisit the pain. And in the pain, I see the purpose.

I remember and laugh at the joy filled parts. And you can find me thankful.

Sometimes I wish I could yell at myself to be a little more grateful and a lot less whiny.

Other times I wish I could comfort the younger me, speaking into my broken heart--that it does work out, it isn't always going to be that way, and it really will be okay.

Through it all. I'm reminded of Jesus.

Jesus has always been and remains my greatest and most constant.

His faithfulness is mind-blowing.

Grace is real. And it's the only reason, I'm still here.

Don't waste your life, writing words of emptiness or sorrow.

He's offering hope and a future and plans of passion.

And maybe you need to hear today--that it really will be okay.

Knowing this truth, doesn't make life any less messy.

Sometimes you learn about self-care in every single class you take, and implement none of it, because no one has the time to take a break.

Sometimes you have four papers due by midnight and cannot seem to come up with a single word.

Sometimes you sit at your grown up desk at work, and try not to cry because this is adulting and you are supposed to "have it together".

Or you want to be strong for people in your life who you feel have greater needs.

Or you don't want to take steps backwards even if certain words people say [or don't say] remind you of the past and of the lies you've worked hard to overcome.

It is okay to have bad days. It does not make you a failure and it does not mean you have to start all over.

It is exciting to be able to revisit words, and know that I am not who I was.

And to know that when messy days do come, I don't have to beat myself up and return to my cocoon. I don't have to give up.

I am no longer defined and driven by my insecurities or doubts or fears.

Resentment does not drive my actions or motives.

Over analyzing does not keep me up at night.

I am confident of this. My value and worth comes from the Lord alone.

Even in my wandering or the days where I fall short, I am still loved, unconditionally.

My insecurities are no longer a burden.

Insecurities can so easily become walls that we hide behind. We can create caves of doubt and low self-worth and hide away in our shame. That's easy. It is easy to refuse to change and continue in unhealthy habits and to put on our own armor of pity and complaints.

It's hard to walk in the truth and go out into the world and to live--regardless of your feelings.

It's hard to unlearn what your brain has been wired to believe and see as the "right" way.

It's hard to let go.

But if life is a gift and today may be all we have. Why wouldn't we face "hard", in order to fully live?

Insecurities do not need to be burdensome. They aren't the something that makes us broken projects that need to be fixed.

They are the something that reminds us that there are holes in our hearts, that only the Lord can fill.

Insecurities can make you beautifully complicated.

They have drawn me closer and deeper to His truth and His heart.

These journals can verify, I've never had it "all together". But my Jesus has, and because of that, I find rest.

Thanks Lord, for the story You have been writing and for this journey I get to take with You.