Expectant.

I have a love-hate relationship with birthdays. The getting older thing becomes less exciting as the candles increase on the gluten-free cake.

Ready-or-not, as I am about to turn another year older, I take the written words off of my shelf and I reflect. I remember where I have been and where I have yet to go. Life continues to dismiss the perfectly laid out plans I created for myself when I was young. I grieve the losses. But as my number changes and I change with the seasons, I remain expectant. An active waiting—knowing that the Lord is in control.

Going into this year, I was afraid to hope again. I was afraid to open my heart with the chance to be let down. There is nothing worse than to wallow dance in disappointment. Closing your heart and surrounding it with walls can be a tempting yet daunting task. Temporarily, it fixes a problem. I think—well, if I don’t let hope arise, I can just sit back comfortably in my current state of apathy, and nothing will catch me off guard.

Jesus didn’t call me to comfort. Expectant is trusting in a hope that will not disappoint. This Hope provides security and stability for the soul. If we stop hoping, we create a breeding ground for insecurity and we plant doubt. The very things the Lord has gardened out of my heart.

Regardless of what emotions, lies or circumstances want to tell me –I am expectant that God’s word and promises remain true and will come to be.

Being expectant calls you to be wild and free. I’ve tasted wild. It is counter-cultural. Being wild, means living in the secure state that Jesus originally intended you to live—giving Him glory. I have tasted free. The abundant sweetness and rush of knowing that God is who He says He is.

As you seek Jesus, you learn to grasp hold of an identity and purpose that is unhindered.

I’ve tried other ways. I have tried to find contentment and joy and my identity in other ways. I have lived most of my early life begging for the acknowledgement of man. In my natural state, I am a people-pleaser, an easy target to be manipulated and taken advantage of. I sought the greater good of others, neglecting my own heart and placing man in Jesus place.

Only Jesus gives this ability to live free and abundant. It is not available in any other form.

Three things to summarize: Jesus is my home. He didn’t call me to comfort. He called me to live.

I am going into twenty seven being the most free-me I have ever been—fully wild, free and expectant.